Monday, July 2, 2012

Hard day today.

Today is an extremely hard day. I woke up this morning and noticed that I am losing my mucous plug. I know it can still be a couple weeks before I have this sweet boy, but when you factor in I am already dilating, effacing, and still contracting often it is scary. I have been cramping, having lower back pain, and contractions off and on. I will be honest as much as the Lord is in control and knows the perfect timing for Jude's arrival I am scared. I am really really scared. I am scared to have a preemie. I am praising Jesus that Jude is 33 weeks gestational age and not any earlier, but I so desperately want him to be at least 35 plus weeks.

I have been really emotional this morning feeling like I am going to burst into tears every 5 minutes. I have had lots of encouragement from family and friends this morning, which has been helpful. I went to the doctor and saw the midwife because my doctor was not in. She checked Jude's heartbeat, which was strong, and told me that being on bedrest and taking procardia every 4 hours is all they can do at this point. She told me if he comes than he will come,and there is not much they can do at this point. She told me she is glad that he is 33 weeks rather than 27 weeks. I know that there is not much more she could say or do, but I was so hoping for something more. I don't even know exactly what I wanted her to say, but I do know I left the doctor office feeling even more dismayed. :(

Through my fear I am meditating on a few scriptures and crying out to my God.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Deuteronomy 31:8 It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Psalms 112:7 He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.

Psalms 56: 4 In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

I am really trying to lay my fear at the feet of Jesus knowing that He is so good, but today it is hard. I am really struggling. I am trying to rejoice in the fact that Jude is 33 weeks, he appears healthy on ultrasounds, and that he has had steroids to boost his lungs. Pushing through my fear today has been one of the most challenging things for me thus far in this pregnancy. Not to add that lately I have been feeling anxious about giving birth since my last delivery was not exactly a pleasant one. So my dear family and friends please be praying for me. Pray for my anxieties and fears to be lifted right now. Please pray that Jude stays in at least another couple weeks. I know that if he is born early the Lord will give us the strength, courage, grace, mercy, and peace to get through it. He has been so faithful thus far and I know it is not going to change.

Copyrighted by April Harnish Photography 

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