Honestly, I am not doing well at the moment. I may not feel well in my soul right now. My prayer is that it will be well with my soul. It will be eventually because I have God on my side. I have a good heavenly Father who fights for me, loves me, and who will give me the rest I need. I am weary and worn. The Lord knows this. I need rest. This is where I am struggling right now. Rest. What is rest? Jesus says " 28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 I know he says this. I know He will do what he says, and yet why am I struggling so much to go to Him and rest. I know what the Bible says, and yet something in me in this season is struggling to connect what my head knows to my heart.
We are in a long season of suffering. I feel like we are like the Israelites in Exodus wondering the desert. Honestly, at this moment I feel like there is no end in sight for our family. It is one thing after another for us. I know that I am struggling spiritually so much because I am not spending as much time in God's word as I should. It does not help that we have not been to church in a long time due to so many sicknesses, seizures, death, and other circumstances. Not being in community with the body wears on you.
It is also hard to talk to people about our life. People don't want to hear your rawness and how hard things are. Truly, people want to hear the "good" things in your life or want you to be generic. Yes, there is ONE thing that is our constant and IS GOOD in our life, which is Christ. That will NEVER change. Other than that, the reality of our life is that it IS hard. There are many aspects of our life that are hard, and seem to have no end in sight. We have ongoing trials that will likely never fully go away.
Being 6 months into my diagnosis I have to be honest about what it is like for me. I am thankful my first medication has seemed to control my seizures well as long as I avoid my triggers. Although they are mostly controlled, I thought it would get easier, but it is not. Epilepsy is wearing on me. The biggest areas I am having a hard time with are not driving and the lack of sleep. It really has changed my whole life. It shows how much I depended on driving and honestly most adults do. Taylor has had to pick up so much of where I lack. He has to go to the grocery store now, or drive me there. Drive me to doctor appts, errands, etc. All the things I used to do. I have a couple dear friends who have continued to love us well and sometimes pick me up to do some of these things. I have one friend in particular who I truly love dearly and is such a gem. She takes the kids places for me so they are not stuck at home 24/7. She loves my kids so well and she has been a gift to them and to me. She encourages me in so many ways even just talking to her. She prays with me and just listens. Seeing her servant heart is beautiful and a reflection of Jesus. She is a gift from the Lord to me more than she will ever know. I am also very grateful for the friends who text me/call me/ and marco polo me often to see how things are going or let me know they are praying for us. It has been amazing to see how God has brought different people in our lives to love and serve us at different times. I can not express my thank you to all of those who have been there through this past year.
The lack of sleep is such a big issue for me because the late evenings was much of mine and Taylor's time together. Our time to read our Bible together, pray together, talk and catch up, watch a movie or show, etc. Now "finding that time" is much more difficult. We have to really fight for our time. We know that if we stay up "late" which is past 9-10 PM there WILL be consequences. I will have seizures. Who knew we would have to weigh out the benefits of staying up late together vs me getting sleep? It is hard. We have to be really intentional with our time, which is not always a bad thing we just do not have as much time as we used to. We still have time together I just personally miss our late night talks that would last until midnight or later or when we had time to talk and then watch a movie rather now we have to chose one or the other.
Our kids are currently sick and usually I would take the night shift since Taylor has to go into work or we tag team the night shift with sick kids. Now he loves me and serves me and gets up with each child while I sleep. He may not know it or see it, but I see so much of how Christ loves the church in how he loves me. He is still right by my side with my seizures. He is a reflection of what that means. I love him so much more that he will ever truly know.
Sleep is always something I will have to make sure I get enough of, but I really hope to be at a place to safely drive again in near future. One good thing about having epilepsy has allowed me to educate more people about it. There truly is a lack of understanding and awareness of what epilepsy is. November is epilepsy awareness month. Please take the time to research it and learn about it. At the very least please learn what to do if someone is having a seizure for both generalized seizures and partial seizures.
http://www.harbor-ucla.org/national-epilepsy-awareness-month/
Since my last update, my dad passed away. We traveled to Arizona. I do miss my daddy. Him and I had a special relationship when we lived in Arizona. This was before he was sick and remarried to my step mom. We used to spend so much time together. We went on many adventures in Flagstaff, Sedona, etc. We discovered new places, restaurants, had so many inside jokes, and laughed until our bellies hurt and we were crying. The reason we were in Arizona was hard, but the time with family was so good. Seeing all the cousins playing together was beautiful and such a gift. Our children did not want to leave. Laughing with my siblings, my mom and step dad, step mom, in laws, etc was needed. The time change was very hard for our family. The heat was a struggle. Josiah and I both struggled with our seizures with the heat. I especially struggled with the 3 hour time difference and the lack of sleep. I had A LOT of seizures while I was out there. That part aside our time was great. I honestly wish we would have had more time to spend with our family and see more people. Overall, our Arizona trip was bittersweet.
Don't worry friends this post won't all be negative. Even in my lack of relying on the Lord as I should and relinquishing full control of every aspect of my life I have seen so many evidences of his goodness and undeserving grace on my life. I am so thankful to serve a relational God, and through my sin loves me so much. I have never yearned for the Lord to return as I do now in this season. There is so much death, destruction, sin, sickness, and the list goes on every where I look. I yearn for the Lord to return and make things new, whole, and the way he intended the world to be. Oh how I long to live in His glory and worshipping Him fully without any cares of the world to distract me from Him. I recently started reading through a book on learning how to lament called Dark Clouds Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop. I relate so much to the Psalms of lament such as Psalms 42 or Psalms 77. Some other verses that are ministering to me right now in this season are these:
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
and with my song I give thanks to him.
Psalms 28:7
Psalms 34 is another one I read often.
I feel so so weak and weary right now. It is a good reminder to me that I am merely human. I don't have to "be strong" I have the Lord who is and will be my strength. Now I just need to learn to relinquish control and REST in the One who IS KING and ultimately has control.
5 On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses— 6 though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 corintians 12: 5-10
Even though we have begged and pleaded the Lord to take many of these trials away, he has said No. We have to trust Him, in his character and his sovereignty, that though we may not see it they are for our good and his glory. I know He is sanctifying and growing us in certain areas, and even areas we are unaware of. Sanctification is like heart surgery. It is painful. It sucks. It is hard. My heart surgery seems to be lasting for years. Please continue to pray for our family through this season. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask how we are doing or to ask how you can pray.
We also got puppy named Macey. She is a piebald miniature dachshund! She is full of so much sass. She is sweet, loveable, obnoxious, stubborn, and too smart for her own good. We love her dearly. It took Taylor and I awhile to warm up to the idea of getting a new dog after our last two past away a few years ago. After the children begged us for a while, we talked about it and decided that we would. We are so glad we did. Macey brings us so much laughter and is so much fun.
Why Are You Cast Down, O My Soul?
To the choirmaster. A Maskil[a] of the Sons of Korah.
42
As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
2
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?[b]
3
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
4
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
5
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation[c] 6 and my God.
My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
7
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
8
By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
9
I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10
As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
11
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
