With each day, I realized more and more my need for Jesus. I will be honest in saying that this was a rough week. I had to pray A LOT, listen to the Bible, and played a whole lot of worship music. I also listened to my current book, A shelter in the time of Storm by Paul David Tripp, which is a meditation on the Psalms. By Friday, I was in tears. This was not only a transition for me, but it was a transition for the kids too. They struggled with not having Daddy home.
I learned the hardships of my restrictions even more this week. Taylor was driving home from work, which is a 10 minute drive, so I thought I would be safe to cook a grilled cheese for the kids for dinner. I began cooking it, was side tracked by one of the kids, and completely forgot about the grilled cheese. I smelled something burning, and had no idea why I was smelling that. I walked in the kitchen to find the grilled cheese smoking on the stove. I learned that even in 10 minutes it is not safe to cook on the stove without supervision. I learned that in 10 minutes or less a fire can happen. I am thankful the Lord kept us safe and nothing caught fire, but it was scary!
Week 2 being alone still came with some challenges, but it was a little easier in some ways. My new dose kicked in and I had a few days of one seizure a day, and a few days with NO seizures!! Thank you Lord! He said yes to our prayers!! Those few days were glorious! When I was having seizures every 2 hours I just wept. I told Taylor, " I don't feel like me anymore" it was like I was lost in my own body. It's so hard to explain. Now that my seizures have significantly decreased I feel like myself again! For the first time in MONTHS!! This in of itself is a huge gift.
Anyway, I am learning to navigate through my restrictions more. I am learning that even though I cannot cook on the stove that I just need to utilize my crock pot more, and the oven by using the timer that shuts the oven off automatically. Not being able to drive or grocery shop is hard for me, but I had some wonderful friends who took me out this week. It was such a blessing to me because it was the first time in a long time I felt like I was an adult again. They listened to me, talked with me, we laughed, ate ice cream, drank coffee, and one of my friends took me grocery shopping! It felt great to grocery shop (as silly as it sounds), and it was a bonus to have a friend with me!
I was able to get through the boys' schooling the past couple weeks, but not without challenges. I became frustrated and angry when they didn't do their school without complaining and giving me a hard time. I find that my fuse is much shorter with homeschool these days because I feel like I am a ticking time bomb, and have a limited amount of time to get things done before I start having seizures. Even with time being limited it does not excuse my sin. I had to ask the boys for forgiveness a couple times this week. We are the first glimpse of the Gospel that they see, and even though they are children we still need to seek their forgiveness when we sin against them.
With that said, with much prayer and thought we have decided to take a break from homeschooling for next school year. We are putting the boys in a private school. I have mixed feeling about it. I am sad because I really do enjoy homeschooling and I love certain aspects of it, but at the same time I am relieved. Pray for us as we transition the boys to a private school. Right now, they want to remain homeschooled, but I am hoping once they are there they will love it. I just can't sustain their education in my current state, and it would be unfair, selfish, and prideful to keep them home. This again is apart of the Lord working on my identity, and being humble by asking for help.
I also managed to get some small cleaning done. I did not get everything done that I wanted. I learning more and more I need to rely on Christ, and at the end of the day it doesn't matter if my house is spotless, or all my laundry is washed, dried, folded, and put away. What matters is that I am glorifying God and relying on him in what I am doing no matter how little or how big.
31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
1 Cor 10:31
Fast forward to this week. I had some unavoidable triggers this week, which vamped up my seizures again. Going from several days of no seizures to having several seizures a day was a major bummer. I struggled to function the last couple days. Taylor had to work from home most of the day yesterday as I struggled to even move from the couch. I have multiple complex partials yesterday, and a bunch of simple partial seizures meaning I am still aware, but nonetheless the make me feel very weird and awful.
I have had several people ask about seizure triggers.
There are tons of things that can trigger seizures, but here are some of the more common ones for people with epilepsy:
Specific time of day/night
Sleep deprivation
Fevers or illness
Flashing lights or patterns
Alcohol/drug use
Stress
Menstrual cycle or other hormonal changes
Not eating well/low blood sugar
Specific foods - excessive caffeine or other foods
Use of certain medications
Heat
(Epilepsy.com)
So far I am still learning what MY triggers are. The ones I know as of now are heat, sleep deprivation, and hormones. My oldest son's triggers are heat, lack of sleep, sickness, and certain flashing light patterns.
Please continue to pray for our family through this trial. Your prayers are so much appreciated.
