First few weeks alone

The first week was long and rough, but I survived. Taylor returned to the office a couple weeks ago, which means I was home alone to hold down the fort. I still averaged 2-3 seizures a day, but had increased my meds so I hoped I would see a decrease in activity.

With each day, I realized more and more my need for Jesus. I will be honest in saying that this was a rough week. I had to pray A LOT, listen to the Bible, and played a whole lot of worship music. I also listened to my current book, A shelter in the time of Storm by Paul David Tripp, which is a meditation on the Psalms. By Friday, I was in tears. This was not only a transition for me, but it was a transition for the kids too. They struggled with not having Daddy home. 

I learned the hardships of my restrictions even more this week. Taylor was driving home from work, which is a 10 minute drive, so I thought I would be safe to cook a grilled cheese for the kids for dinner. I began cooking it, was side tracked by one of the kids, and completely forgot about the grilled cheese. I smelled something burning, and had no idea why I was smelling that. I walked in the kitchen to find the grilled cheese smoking on the stove. I learned that even in 10 minutes it is not safe to cook on the stove without supervision. I learned that in 10 minutes or less a fire can happen. I am thankful the Lord kept us safe and nothing caught fire, but it was scary!

Week 2 being alone still came with some challenges, but it was a little easier in some ways. My new dose kicked in and I had a few days of one seizure a day, and a few days with NO seizures!! Thank you Lord! He said yes to our prayers!! Those few days were glorious! When I was having seizures every 2 hours I just wept. I told Taylor, " I don't feel like me anymore" it was like I was lost in my own body. It's so hard to explain. Now that my seizures have significantly decreased I feel like myself again! For the first time in MONTHS!! This in of itself is a huge gift. 

Anyway, I am learning to navigate through my restrictions more. I am learning that even though I cannot cook on the stove that I just need to utilize my crock pot more, and the oven by using the timer that shuts the oven off automatically. Not being able to drive or grocery shop is hard for me, but I had some wonderful friends who took me out this week. It was such a blessing to me because it was the first time in a long time I felt like I was an adult again. They listened to me, talked with me, we laughed, ate ice cream, drank coffee, and one of my friends took me grocery shopping! It felt great to grocery shop (as silly as it sounds), and it was a bonus to have a friend with me! 

I was able to get through the boys' schooling the past couple weeks, but not without challenges. I became frustrated and angry when they didn't do their school without complaining and giving me a hard time. I find that my fuse is much shorter with homeschool these days because I feel like I am a ticking time bomb, and have a limited amount of time to get things done before I start having seizures. Even with time being limited it does not excuse my sin. I had to ask the boys for forgiveness a couple times this week. We are the first glimpse of the Gospel that they see, and even though they are children we still need to seek their forgiveness when we sin against them.

With that said, with much prayer and thought we have decided to take a break from homeschooling for next school year. We are putting the boys in a private school. I have mixed feeling about it. I am sad because I really do enjoy homeschooling and I love certain aspects of it, but at the same time I am relieved. Pray for us as we transition the boys to a private school. Right now, they want to remain homeschooled, but I am hoping once they are there they will love it. I just can't sustain their education in my current state, and it would be unfair, selfish, and prideful to keep them home. This again is apart of the Lord working on my identity, and being humble by asking for help.

I also managed to get some small cleaning done. I did not get everything done that I wanted. I learning more and more I need to rely on Christ, and at the end of the day it doesn't matter if my house is spotless, or all my laundry is washed, dried, folded, and put away. What matters is that I am glorifying God and relying on him in what I am doing no matter how little or how big.

31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 
1 Cor 10:31

Fast forward to this week. I had some unavoidable triggers this week, which vamped up my seizures again. Going from several days of no seizures to having several seizures a day was a major bummer. I struggled to function the last couple days. Taylor had to work from home most of the day yesterday as I struggled to even move from the couch. I have multiple complex partials yesterday, and a bunch of simple partial seizures meaning I am still aware, but nonetheless the make me feel very weird and awful. 

I have had several people ask about seizure triggers. 

There are tons of things that can trigger seizures, but here are some of the more common ones for people with epilepsy:

Specific time of day/night
Sleep deprivation
Fevers or illness
Flashing lights or patterns
Alcohol/drug use
Stress
Menstrual cycle or other hormonal changes
Not eating well/low blood sugar
Specific foods - excessive caffeine or other foods
Use of certain medications 
Heat
(Epilepsy.com) 

So far I am still learning what MY triggers are. The ones I know as of now are heat, sleep deprivation, and hormones. My oldest son's triggers are heat, lack of sleep, sickness, and certain flashing light patterns.

Please continue to pray for our family through this trial. Your prayers are so much appreciated. 

This is what epilepsy looks like.... for me.

Background story: I have had weird things/feelings/sensations my whole life. I have struggled with chronic headaches/migraines since I was about 5 years old. In December 2018 I had a minor surgical procedure under general anesthesia. Everything went well, and I was at home sleeping off the anesthesia. I woke up after a couple hours with the worst headache I have ever had in my entire life. There are no words to describe the amount of pain I had. No pain killers even touched my headache, but I just assumed it was a side effect of the anesthesia. Within a few days I started getting these weird "sensations."

My sensations started out with feeling goosebumps/tingles on my head. Then it progressed to having a tingling sensation that would run up and down the right side of my body. Within, a couple weeks I started having vision issues in my right eye and right sided jerking of my limbs. This continued to progress in frequency and were getting worse.  When I would have these episodes I would also feel "spacey and euphoric" and struggle to speak. I could barely find words, and would slur and stutter really bad. I started having issues with memory and moments of confusion. These episodes became so frequent that a friend encouraged me to go to the ER. My husband agreed this was a good idea. I was admitted immediately. The local hospital was pretty much useless and a LOT of mistakes were made, and my care was sub par. That is story for a different day.

We decided to seek a second opinion from a Neurologist in Indy. Both my Neuro and My GP believed I was having partial seizures. I had a 72 hour video EEG done inpatient a few weeks ago, and 48 hours into my EEG I received my diagnosis. I have Left Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, which is why all my symptoms are right sided and cause speech, reading, memory and writing difficulties. The doctor believes I am having Complex Partial Seizures also known as Focal Impaired - Awareness seizures. The doctor and nurses have said that potentially the anesthesia from December had something to do with my seizures, but there is no way to find out at this point. I will be having an MRI with contrast to check for scar tissue, brain abnormalities, etc so please be praying about this test.

I am so relieved and grateful to have an answer to all my weird symptoms. I am thankful to be able to start medications that has lessened the frequency of my seizures. I went from having them every 2 hours to having about 2-3 a day with my recent increase. I am also thankful I have an Aura (warning sign) before my seizures come so that I can get to a safe place. An Aura for seizures are also known as Simple Partial Seizure or Focal Aware Seizure. I am thankful my seizures have decreased, but I am so ready to not be having these daily. Sometimes I wonder if my "migraines" were really migraines or if they were seizures or linked to seizures all along. Since my seizures started I have not had any migraines. Migraine medicines never worked for me in the past. The only relief I had from my headaches was when I was on seizure meds that were also used to treat migraines. The only time I get headaches now is after my seizure when I am post-itical. I will never truly know, but it does make me wonder.


With that said, what many people don't understand about epilepsy is that seizures look different for everyone. It is not always the Grand Mal (tonic clonic) or Petit mal (absence) seizure that people see or hear about. My seizures in particular I start to feel Euphoric/spacey (its hard to describe), my speech is slurred and I stutter. Then my head turns to the right, my eyes move rapidly and flutter some, my right arm jerks, and I am unable to respond. The seizure lasts about 1.5-2 minutes. 

My oldest son who has seizures has a blank stare, and drools. When he comes out of it he talks in slow motion, can't read or write, has lack of appetite, and a bad headache. His seizures are less than 30 seconds and are easy to miss.

We both have epilepsy, but our seizures present differently.

People also don't realize how hard it is to become "seizure free" and many people think the day you take a pill your seizures go away. I wish it was that easy! The process to get to a therapeutic dose is SLOW. Really slow. You have to go up on AEDs (anti-epileptic drugs) slow because of side effects (some can be fatal). There are also some people who have epilepsy where medication doesn't work. They need a VNS or lobectomy where the part of the brain causing the seizures is removed. Some people never become seizure free. Everyone is different. 

Being 4 years into the epilepsy journey with our oldest child I often hear, "Wow, he has seizures but he looks and acts so normal." Well, epilepsy is an invisible illness. People (unless they have other health/physical conditions) look "normal." I look normal and healthy until I have a seizure. When I have a seizure I look and feel terrible, and it takes me about 20-30 minutes after to bounce back.  

                                           Photo Credit: Courtney Venable Photography

People also don't realize it can change your whole life. It has for me. My whole life has been turned upside down. I am basically like a child again with what I am allowed to do. My independence went out the window. The things most adults take for granted I am not allowed to do right now, and this is hard. I have cried a lot and have really had to press into the Lord through this.

My seizure restrictions/precautions right now are as follows:

-No driving until 6 months SEIZURE FREE
- No swimming or baths without supervision
-No cooking on stove without supervision
- No open flames (grill, bond fire, etc)
-No being left alone in public
-No being at high elevations

Other things people don't think about is you have to be mindful about things you are doing that could potentially pose a risk like using hair styling tools that are hot,using knives to cut food, etc.

God has shown me how much I relied on MY independence. He has also revealed to  me how stubborn I am. I am dependent on myself where as I should be dependent on the Lord. God has also revealed to me my identity issues. My identity is NOT in me being a good wife, mother, homeschool mom, homemaker, etc. My identity is NOT epilepsy. My identity is IN HIM. Goodness, this is a hard concept to grasp. I have cried a lot. I am the worst homemaker ever right now. Struggling to cook, clean, homeschool, care for our kids etc... But that does not define me. That is not my identity. And I cannot do it alone. I NEED JESUS. I am a daughter of the one true King and apart from him I can do nothing.

5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

 God has used this trial to humble me and allow my husband to serve me. He has grown my husband so much as a spiritual leader in our house, a husband, and a daddy. Witnessing this has been a true gift. His load is heavy right now. He is/was by me through my seizures, prays over me while I am seizing, reads the Bible with our children and leads biblical discussion, homeschools our children on days I can't, cooks, cleans, cares for the kids, drives me to my appointments, grocery shops, and on top of it all still continues to work from home to provide for our family. Pray for him and that he will endure this trial and continue to press into the Lord. 

 I have had to be humbled so much and have had to allow our church, friends, family, and Taylor's work serve us. To see the amount of love poured out on our us by our family, friends, church body, and Taylor's work has been just a small glimpse of God's grace and goodness. God has used both believers and non -believers to love us and this has been incredible to see. I pray that God uses our trials to lead people to him. We have had family fly out from AZ to love on us, people sit at my bedside in the hospital, visit us, pray for us and with us, watch our children, clean our house, provide meals, provide gift cards for meals, drive me places when our kids were sick and Taylor had to be home with them, text/call, send cards, allow Taylor to work from home, and the list goes on. We are so overwhelmed by how much all these people have loved our family through this. We are thankful beyond words, and can never repay them. Thank You just does not feel like enough. 

My sister, Kursty, took the photo below. I just came out of a seizure in this photo. I look awful in it, but I wanted to show my husband's servant heart. He knelt down beside me from start to finish of my seizures. My husband was by my side with every seizure. One of the most comforting things for me when I come out of my seizures is seeing his face. He truly is living out our wedding vows in sickness and in health. He prays, he comforts me, and has loved and is continuing to love me so well through this. I cannot express how much I love this man. Seeing how God is growing him in this season and how much he has loved/served me through this trial has made my love for him grow 10 fold, which I didn't even know was possible. 

My husband will be going back to work this week after working from home the last couple months because my seizures were so frequent. Pray for us as we start to get some "normalcy" back in our lives. Pray for him as he returns to work. Pray for me as I will be alone with the children again. Please continue to just pray for our family through this tough season.

The truth about photos

      I don’t post much on social media anymore. I struggle being on social media. It is so easy to hide behind a façade and to get caught up in what is not reality. Social media and photos can easily hide the truth. What you don’t see in most photos is the pain, grief, suffering, trials, etc. people face.

     We recently had family photos done. As I was looking at these photos I noticed something. I noticed how we all look so “happy” and when people look at these photos that is what they will see too. What you don’t see is how hard this day was. How hard it was to get through these photos for our family. What you don’t see is the trials we are going through. What you don’t see are the diagnoses. You don’t see that our oldest had multiple seizures this day, and struggled with the flash in the studio. You can’t see that I was having seizures every 2 hours, which means I had a seizure while we on our way to photos and had one on the way home. You don’t see that I had to get ready in between seizures and post-itical phase, which was quite the task.

Photo Credit: Courtney Venable Photography

     What I have found is that “happiness” is momentary. The littlest thing can leave you mad or upset, and your happiness is gone. Life is not about being “happy.” Life is about bringing glory to God. EVEN IN MY SUFFERING. I have learned that even though my happiness can be gone in an instant that it’s my joy that cannot be taken from me. My joy in the Lord is not defined by my life circumstances. My happiness may be, but not my joy. On the hard days I am not happy. I cry. I weep. I beg God for relief and for this to not be our lot. Our struggles are hard. They are daily and seem to be never ending. As I have begged God to take these health trials away from our family, as of now, he has said “No” I don’t know why, but what I do know is that I want Him to be most glorified through it. I want him to be most glorified even in my ugly moments. My sinful moment. My imperfections. My struggles. My doubt. I want Christ to be enough for me, my husband, and my children. My husband reminded me of this scripture a couple of months ago, and I want this to be so true for our family.

⁷ So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,^[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.2 cor 12:7-10

Our health trials are “our thorn in our flesh.”

God has been teaching me so much through our sufferings. He is teaching me to cling to Him. To run to Him. Trust Him. Cry out to Him. Patience.  He is not also teaching me but he is also showing me my sin and where I fall short. He is doing surgery to my heart. It is a SLOW AND PAINFUL process. I don’t like it at all, but I know the end result will be beautiful. I also know that these trials are momentary although they feel like forever. 

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Patience is one thing I lack. Waiting on the Lord's timing. Waiting on doctors, tests, results, and the list goes on..... Even though things never happen on my timing. The Lord's timing is always perfect. One night as I sat weeping in my bed, pleading with God, I felt so lonely and scared I was led to this scripture:

I sought the Lord, and he answered me
    and delivered me from all my fears.
⁵ Those who look to him are radiant,
    and their faces shall never be ashamed.
⁶ This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
    and saved him out of all his troubles.
⁷ The angel of the Lord encamps
    around those who fear him, and delivers them.

⁸ Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
    Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Psalms 35

No, He did promise me health. He promised me he would deliver me from my fears and he has. He encamps around me. I am blessed and have refuge in him. He is good. I don’t doubt his goodness. I do on the other hand doubt how this could possibly be for MY good. I have to pray often. Repent of my wanting to be in control, and not trusting him with my children and my life. He is working in me to not worry about tomorrow. With my children and their health trials, and my own health trials I have learned its completely out of my control. I have NO IDEA what tomorrow brings. I will drive myself crazy (and have before and still do sometimes) worrying about all the “what ifs” and then I am brought to this scripture time and time again.

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:34

Oh goodness, it is so easy to become anxious. To worry about the unknowns. I HATE THE UNKNOWNS. There are unknowns for me but there are NO unknowns to God. He truly has been the only unchanging thing in our life. His sovereignty, goodness, faithfulness, and love truly brings me so much comfort. As I fear so many things, even losing my children, I am reminded of God’s sacrifice for me. His only son died and took my punishment on the cross. His undying love for me is immeasurable and I have no words to express how grateful I am for my Savior. The ugliness in me through these trials has reminded me how much I am in need of a Savior, and I am so thankful that I have one who has given me his righteousness.

Please pray for our family in this season.  

P.S. I will write another blog soon about my seizures. ;) 

For HIS glory and our GOOD.

     Today I woke up with an extremely heavy and burdened heart. I know the Lord has placed specific people on my heart for a reason. I actually received a text this morning from one of the sweet friends that the Lord has made my heart heavy for. I was in the middle of praying for this friend when she texted me. I didn't notice she had texted me until after I was done, and I responded asking how she was to find out she is not doing well at all. Becoming worse in many ways, and I will be honest my heart was crushed. I now know why she was placed so heavily on my heart. All I could do was sit here and cry. Cry out to the Lord.

    There are so many people around me who are lost, hurting, sick, struggling, broken marriages, etc... Lately, I feel like the sufferings of others have been made more apparent to me, and this morning it hit me hard. All I could do was sit and cry out to my GOD. I don't understand why some suffer more than others, or why certain people suffer in certain ways. But what I do know is that our GOD is good. Its all for HIS glory and our good.

    It is okay to be burdened and pray/cry out to Jesus about these people, but I was gently reminded by HIM that it is not my job to "save" them. As I feel so heavily burdened I, myself, have to take rest in Jesus knowing that he has a plan and a purpose for each and everyone of these people.

Isaiah 43:11 I, I am the LORD, and besides me there is no savior.

     I have to rest in knowing that Jesus is the ONLY answer for these people. He is the only one who can bring these people comfort, peace, rest, strength, endurance, healing, restoration, etc... Christ is the only one who can save them. I will continue to cry out and fight for these people, and I pray this for those who are going through these trials...

     I pray that the ones who are lost, come to know Christ as their Savior. I pray the ones who have a personal relationship with Christ already RUN TO HIM and NOT from Him. I pray that all of those that I am praying for find peace, restoration, comfort, and strength in Him.

There is hope my sweet friends. Rest in the arms of our sweet Savior.

Romans 12:12
12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.


Hebrews 4: 16
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.


1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Romans 8:28
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who were called according to His purpose.

Matthew 6: 34

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Philippians 4: 4-7
4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4: 13
I can do all things through HIM who strengthens me.

James 1: 2-4
2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

1 Peter 5: 6-7
6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Lamentations 3: 22-25
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him."

Proverbs 3: 5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,and do not lean on your own understanding.

1 Chronicle 16:11
See the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

adjusting to life with 2! :)

Being a mommy of a 2 year old and newborn keeps me quite busy so my blogs will probably not be as frequent. With that being said.....
I am so beyond blessed to have my two little boys!! They amaze me everyday and I am so thankful the Lord entrusted me to be their mommy!! Jude is so sweet, but knows what he wants! For example, he only likes to be held certain ways, hates the swing, will scream his head off if he does NOT like something!! He loves to be snuggled, which I LOVE! Here are some of Jude's newborn photos!! I am so smitten with this little boy, and its still so surreal after 9 months of a difficult pregnancy that He is here healthy and perfect! :)

As much as I love my boys I will be honest and say going from 1 to 2 children has been challenging! The transition was a made a little easier by having my amazing husband home for 2.5 weeks, meals from my church family, and having family here to help for a couple of weeks! One reason it has been challenging because I feel like the boys often need something important at the same time. Although, other aspects of being a mom of two are easier such as knowing different things to do to calm Jude when he is fighting sleep or upset. Having Jude in our family now has been an adjustment for everyone especially for our sweet Josiah. He has surprisingly done well though. At first, he was really jealous when daddy held Jude and would always say "daddy give baby Jude to mommy." That only lasted about a week, which I am so thankful for. Josiah, at first, was scared to touch Jude, but quickly warmed up. Now he is totally smitten with his baby brother and loves to hold, kiss, and even tries to play with him. He also has done well with being patient when he wants something and I am feeding, changing, or soothing Jude. I am so proud of my sweet Josiah!

Psalms 127: 3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, a fruit of the womb a reward. 

    

Postpartum: I will be so thankful when my hormones return to normal! I have not had too many emotional days like I did with Josiah, but I have still had a few weepy days and moodiness. I hate it! Anxiety has kicked in about sickness such as the flu or whooping cough especially as we are entering the season for these things because these things can be serious and/or fatal for Jude so I am having to CONTINUALLY put this anxiety into the hands of my good God. I have to constantly be in prayer about it or I will become a hermit like I did with Josiah. I know part of my anxiety comes from having Josiah hospitalized at 10 days old with a stomach bug, and it was horrible. I also don't like the postpartum phase because of ppd, which is always at the back of my mind since I suffered from postpartum depression with Josiah that started around 5-6 weeks after delivery and lasted a few months. This time I am trying to prevent it by walking daily, reading the Bible, and praying. 

I have enjoyed taking walks around my neighborhood and Josiah loves our walks! Jude falls asleep in the stroller, which is a plus because it gives Josiah and me lots of time to talk, and we have turned our walks into a little adventure!  

The Lord taught me so much through my pregnancy with Jude such as patience, humbleness, and reliance on Him. He is STILL teaching me these things. I have to be reminded that I am NOT super woman and somedays I will not be able to clean, dinner sometimes may not be as homemade as I WANT it to be, etc. I have to rely in HIS strength to make it through each day especially the challenging ones when boys are fighting sleep or Josiah is being defiant. God is such a good God and I am so thankful that He continues to teach me new things through each season of my life. 

I absolutely LOVE my family. The Lord truly has given me an amazing family and I am undeserving of them!! <3 Thank you Jesus! :)

Birthday August 9, 2012

Jude is HERE!!!!!! Jude Zephaniah was born August 9, 2012 at 4:54PM 6lbs 15oz 20.5 inches long!! He is healthy, perfect, and beautiful. 

                                                      


On Thursday (8/9) morning at about 6:30 AM I woke up to a weird sensation. Long behold my water had broke! Taylor and I were excited about this because we had been praying for my water to break so  we would know exactly when to go to the hospital since we had been there so many times for preterm and the bills are piling up! Also, because I had been contracting hard about 3 minutes apart for 2.5 weeks so we had no idea when to go in. Another glimpse of God's grace through this pregnancy! Thank you Jesus!

I actually didn't realize it had broke until I came out of the room to tell Taylor about my weird sensation and Taylor looked at me with big eyes, I happened to touch my pants, and my two year old says, "uh oh mommy pee peed!" So once we realized my water had broke some of our church family had arrived to care for Josiah as we headed to the hospital. 

My water had actually ruptured up high so I was not in much pain, and I was still dilated to a 3 50% effaced. I had chosen to have my epidural put in at this time because the hospital had a lot of c sections scheduled so they were not sure when I would be able to receive one. So after I had my epidural put in my doctor came in and told me my water had ruptured up high so she broke it completely since Jude's head was still protected by the amniotic sac. 

It took from 6:30AM to 3 PM to dilate from 3 to 5cm. About 20-25 min after the nurse had told me I was 5cm dilated I began to feel more pain, and so she decided to see if I had progressed and I told her no way its only been 20 minutes! Well, long behold I was now 8cm! lol It took about 20 more minutes for me to fully dilate and Jude to move to station +2. I was ready to push!!! 

WAIT!! I can't push yet my sweet friend and photographer had not arrived yet! I told her she had time to get there when I was 5cm, but guess my body decided otherwise!! ha! So when my doctor arrived I asked her if we could wait 15 minutes for my friend to arrive! She laughed and asked if I was serious, and then agreed! She found it rather humorous that I put off pushing for 15 minutes to wait for my photographer!! haha Well, needless to say it was WORTH it!!!!! April did an amazing job capturing one of life's greatest moments on camera as well as encouraging me through pushing.

I pushed for about 45 minutes, partly because little Jude decided to be in a side posterior position, which made it a little harder to get him out!! Once he was born, I was so overwhelmed with emotion when they placed him on my chest. I cried like a baby. I couldn't even crack a smile because I could not stop crying. I never experienced Josiah being placed on my chest so having Jude placed there was beautiful. I was so overwhelmed with joy being able to see and hold my HEALTHY FULL TERM baby boy for the first time. Knowing that this challenging pregnancy that was filled with so many unknowns and what-ifs was over. Knowing that God created this little boy in my womb, and showed us grace upon grace through the entire pregnancy, and here Jude was laying in front of me. He is perfect and beautiful!!! Delivery went smooth and I did NOT hemorrhage, which was another answer to prayer!!!! Thank you Lord!!  

 Photo copyrighted by April Harnish Photography 

Thank you all who have invested so much time in praying for our little miracle. It has been amazing seeing the Lord's hand at work through this ENTIRE pregnancy. This pregnancy was challenging, but I would never change it for the world. The Lord has taught me so much, and the end we were also blessed with one of the greatest gifts.. A beautiful little boy!! 

Contractions Contractions Contractions...

I am so beyond grateful to my Savior for allowing sweet baby Jude to be in the womb this long, and preterm labor no longer being a threat! What an answer to prayers!! I am not the least surprised because I know that I serve a BIG GOD!!!! :)

The last couple days I have been having consistent painful contractions about 2-3 minutes apart. I took two trips to the hospital. One on Monday and one on Tuesday. I was extremely upset on Monday because my doctor who told me that she wanted to get me to 36 weeks, and once there she would take me off of all medications and bedrest. She told me at 36 weeks she would not try and stop labor. When I went to hospital I was contracting hard and 2 min apart. So she tells the nurse to give me a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions. I was quite confused and upset that she wanted to stop it after telling me she wouldn't. I refused the shot and so I was sent home, and the hospital had me sign a paper saying that if there are any risks to me or my baby, or I deliver at home it is my own fault because I chose not to be treated. Apparently, choosing to not receive the shot meant I was refusing treatment.

I refused the shot because terbutaline has negative effects on both me and Jude. Also, I am so exhausted from being in preterm labor for 5 months and I no longer want to fight my body especially because we are at a safe gestational age. I am almost 37 weeks - FULL TERM YAHOOOOOO!!!!! After coming home from hospital I only slept a short amount of time because the contractions kept me awake. So all day yesterday I contracted 2-3 minutes apart, and they progressively became more painful. I called the doctor on call, and she sent me back to the hospital.

This time the nurse decided to give me her unwanted opinion by telling me that I am in fake labor and they weren't real contractions since I had not dilated anymore since yesterday, and I should take the terbutaline to stop them and get rid of pain. I told her my husband and I have decided not to take any more medication so she proceeded to tell me, "well, I guess you will be in pain then." She told me other things like no one will induce me at 36, 37, or 38 weeks, which I DID NOT ask for so I don't know why she was telling me that. She continued to lecture me, but I am not surprised because it is the same nurse who made me feel stupid for coming in for preterm labor a few weeks back. I will say that I was a little confused because I didn't realize "fake contractions" were 2-3 minutes apart and extremely painful?? I did notice that I was effaced more yesterday, but not dilated anymore. I do know that with Josiah I dilated EXTREMELY SLOOOOOOOOOW. So I am hoping this is not the case. The doctors had to break my water dilated to 1 with Josiah because I just wasn't dilating after 20 hours of labor. Once my water broke I was ready to go within a few hours. Since I was induced and had epidural early with Josiah I did not experience much pain so this early labor is a whole new experience for both me and Taylor.

I will be honest. I am EXHAUSTED and the PAIN SUCKS!! I am miserable and tired, and still contracting 2-3 minutes apart so I am hoping I will dilate more in the next few days. Hopefully by August 1. By that time I will be full term! I just don't want to be in pain, miserable, and exhausted for weeks from these contractions. I don't sleep because the contractions keep me awake, especially because I have a lot of back labor. I do not do well with pain, and yet I am having a baby ahahahahhahaha!! I will say I am so thankful and blessed for everyday Jude remains in the womb!! The pain and exhaustion is worth it especially if it means a healthy little boy. The Lord knows Jude's birthday now only if HE would tell me what day that is hahahahahahahahha!!!

I know that delivering this baby is all on GOD's timing and not on mine. He is teaching me patience waiting for the arrival of this sweet boy. I am so ecstatic that I will be able to hold my sweet little baby boy soon!! :)